Wednesdays

For the last 2 Wednesdays I have walked out of my youth group feeling refreshed and renewed, mentally and spiritually. It seems that I have finally begun to change. My choices had caught up to me, and my guilt has driven me to repent. What I had become, sickened me. What I had done, hurt others and myself. I once believed, and still do, that I have no right to be forgiven. My sins are terrible, and the pain I have caused will never fully heal, but God has shown me unimaginable mercy in his forgiveness. How can I ever repay the debt I owe? Money cannot buy eternity, nor can a thousand lifetimes of servitude. So then, what can I do? All I have is my body, my words, my works, and my love. I give them all to him. He deserves so much more, but it is all I have. I can only hope, and trust that it is enough for him. That God will take all I can give, and use it to do what he wishes. Tonight, I have decided to step out of the boat, to let God take me where he needs me to go. Even if this means leaving my comfort zone.

love

Written September 8th, I just didn't have internet access =b

To know what true love is, and to be incapable of experiencing it is more than torture. For what ever reason, God has blessed me with an unexplainable understanding of love. With this, comes the pain of watching something so beautiful, be torn apart by society. With it comes the pain of watching my family and friends abuse this amazing gift, and being unable to do anything about it. My understanding seems useless in the end. What can I do to stop what is so widely accepted as love? How can I end this tradition of fake connections, and counterfeit oneness? All of my attempts at explaining what I know have been passed off as “a lack of understanding”. I have a passion. A passion that has been bashed and doubted constantly since the day I attempted to stand up for it. Why is t so hard for others to understand what love once was? My generation cannot imagine a world where divorce is rare, and family comes first. I weep for those who have accepted the lies. I pray for those who cannot see what has been done to our world.

Why is trust so hard?

Again and again I am blessed. Yet, again and again i question God's interest in me, or my life. Have I allowed myself to be deceived by the world to the degree that i question the one truth that gives me life? It is my fault. My unwillingness to see that which is directly in front of me. It remains a mystery to even myself why i reject all that comforts me. I want to be loved, yet reject any passion towards me. I want to be respected, yet deny myself the privilege. I want to believe, yet constantly question that which I once trusted. What have I made myself? Why do i feel so undeserving of that which is freely given? I have taken being humble dangerously far. What used to be healthy has become the seed of my self hate. If there is any hope of rescue from this dark place, it lies in the trust of the one who brought light to the world so long ago.